Step Into My Office

There is so much going on inside my head at any given point in time that it gets a little scary. Even now, it is taking such an effort to sort through the various "to-do" lists (work v. home, subsets within those like bedroom, phone calls, letters, research, eat) just to find the thoughts that are hiding behind them in order to write anything in here.

Last night I realized, I don't like falling asleep. I don't know why. I get anxious and antsy when I'm lying there all alone in the dark. I don't know when or why that started, but it's a familiar sensation now. So, it must have started awhile ago.

There is a child crying in the background of my life right now. And by that I mean there is a real live child in another room crying. Nothing existential or profound. But it does get annoying, even if part of me feels bad and wants to go play with the baby.

Sometimes I think if I can just write down the randomness that is going through my head I will be able to see it all, reorganize it into pretty spreadsheets/files and then put it back in like a mental database. I wish it worked that way. It would be really nice to be able to just turn off some of the thoughts that are floating around like closing out of a computer window. For now, I think I'll just go back to trying to find little mental brain corners to stuff them in when I need to ignore them for a bit.

I could probably sit here and just type randomness (to me, maybe you find it interesting or insightful, which might also seem weird to me) all day, if I could. Unfortunately, I also have to spend time working to earn money to go do things with people. It's a pain.

I need ideas on non-attorney things to do with my J.D. I'm not saying I'm necessarily going to forgo the attorney route completely, maybe stay active and learn new things until I find a niche I really enjoy. But in the meantime, I'm liking working in the field less and less. But I can't really figure out how to get out of it. I don't have enough experience for most of the job openings that sound like something I'd actually enjoy (policy analysis, etc). And I'm apparently now over qualified for any position other than being an attorney, or if I'm qualified for the position everyone is afraid I'll be bolting in 6 months when the economy is in a more stable position and new opportunities start to arise. This sucks.

Well, it's been over a year since I've posted anything here. So, hello. I'm still alive, and occasionally paying attention. At the moment, my brain is being very angry and my computer at work is being annoying. So, I'll be keeping this short. I'm not sure what I'll be using this site for anymore, but, we'll see how it goes. In the meantime, if anyone has any creative ideas, let me know.

I made an executive decision tonight, about 15 minutes ago, actually. Some of you will love me, some of you will hate me, but it's the best decision for me right now. I'm not coming back to Indiana. I'm going to take the Massachusetts Bar and stay here for the foreseeable future. For those of you who might see or talk to my family, please let me tell them myself tomorrow. Thanks, and I still love you, all! I promise that I'll keep visiting as regularly as possible.

1. I make an awesome puppet.
2. I can bruise cement.
3. The cake is a lie.
4. Catch Phrase 2 is mortal. I know...we killed it...and the radio star.
5. There's a party in my tummy...sooooo yummy.

Nicole: what am I going to give up for lent?
Bobby: You could give up ice cream
Nicole: I can't give up ice cream. I could give up Ben & Jerry's.
Bobby: Jesus can give up his life for you, and you can't give up ice cream.
Nicole: well what are you going to give up?
Bobby: Nothing
Nicole: Jesus died for you too, even though you're a homo.


My roommates win at life.

( Distractions from Finals, wahoo )

( 2007 Meme-tastic Times )

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” -- Oscar Wilde

So what is one supposed to do the day she comes to the conclusion that she's just sunk a couple hundred thousand dollars into an education she's not even sure she wants to pursue? Wait, better yet, an education she's quite sure she doesn't want to pursue. What do you do when you've realized you've spent your entire life being practical, and doing exactly what was expected of you, and yet, that every accomplishment seems completely empty? There is this hollow feeling that I think I may have finally placed. I don't want to be a lawyer. Stuffy, money hungry, wearing suits daily. Sure I'm trying to find jobs in areas where I feel like I can make some sort of difference in the world. But what about being able to just experience the world.

I want to be able to drop everything, right now, and just run...run away, travel, pick up an accent in a foreign country, hang glide over lakes and lands, learn to fly a plane, climb a mountain, learn a new language, jog on the beach, dance down a old street in Japan, lay in the countryside in every country I can get to and admire the history and architecture of every great city, to simply lose myself in life.

Maybe I can just keep a few clients, a couple projects, enough to fund my life from year to year without getting completely tied down. I don't want to spend my working until I want to scream just to earn vacation time to spend a few days some place populated with tourists and spring break bound undergraduates.

I joke with friends...let's just go to this place or the other, let's try this or that. Only, I'm not joking. And I have to stop myself, every time, and pull myself back down into the reality of needing an education, a career, a stable real-world life. The only problem is that an average, stable, expected life doesn't excite me or make me happy. I want so much more than that. I want a life where I can spend my day reading poetry, writing out my thoughts on life, appreciating music, making music. Why can't I just find someone to pay me to be well-read and cultured and an all-around life/world appreciative person? I want more depth from people, from life. I just have to figure out how to get there in this "fit the mold", "be happy fulfilling the status quo" world.

In the meantime, I must finish writing papers and studying for final exams, and being a success fitting the mold (as a back up plan), at least until I can find a way to break it.

( Career Meme from you know...all my other friends... )

1. Wake up late to the lovely sound of construction over my head.
2. Bloody nose in the shower.
3. Watch the bus drive by as I'm walking to the stop.
4. Hit my head getting my bag out of my car.
5. NEW bag BREAKS (this makes carrying books and laptop around very difficult)
6. Kristyn loses, but then finds something important (thanks to some really awesome law school peeps)

So far, since lunch, the day's been getting better...but seriously...can anything else go wrong??

Oh editing...7. My lavelier fell off the chain somewhere in the middle of sidewalk/road/random place today, too. grrrrrrrrrrrr, hiss, boo.

I want so badly to be able to just get mad, and I can't. I don't know why. I hate being angry. I hate letting people get that much control over my emotional state and well-being. Yes I admit it, in many ways you are all correct I can be emotionally closed off, but I do it on purpose, defense mechanisms and all. But right now I just wish I could feel as angry and pissed off as I think I should be about all of this stuff, but I just feel disappointed, let down. I feel sad for him that he still can't admit he's in the wrong and needs to blame everyone but himself for the mess he's in. I've stopped caring that he keeps trying to blame me. He can blame me all he wants because everyone else knows better, now. But I still wish I could get angry...

haha...that subject line came to me today...silly Wielenberg, crazy professors rock!

This quote caught my eye today, pessimistic, but I definitely understand the sentiment.

a wise girl
listens but never believes.
kisses but never loves.
and leaves before she is left.


I think I might be that wise girl...which kind of scares me, I have to wonder if any guy will ever make me believe, make me love, and make me never want to leave....someday...(still an optimist, don't worry)

You Are 88% Lady

No doubt about it, you are a lady with impeccable etiquette You know how to put others at ease, even if their manners aren't the greatest.

also...apparently I feel a lot, and that's rare. I think I can live with that.

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISFP)

Your personality type is caring, peaceful, artistic, and calm. Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 8% of all women and 6% of all men You are Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.

This made my day...well, this and the wonderful awesomeness of The Police @ Fenway Park!!!



Sorry for the lack of real postage this summer. In summary, work, sleep, Masterson visited (yay), studying for the MPRE, lots of time with the housemates and cookouts, 4th of July with my cousin, losing friends, meeting new ones, rekindling fading friendships, mending broken ones, summer fling (it was a goal for the season, gotta love accomplishing goals), Javier buys our house lots of gifts, day trip to Maine, getting over a cold, DC next weekend to visit more friends (Brian, Betsy, Jill, Emily, anyone else in the area that wants to steal some time), Cali with Amanda, Bill (who I cannot wait to meet and judge...like Miranda from sex & the city...it's what I do...but only when I'm trying to make sure you're worthy of dating my friends) and most importantly OLIVIA!!!. I'm sure I've forgotten major things, like temporarily losing Jayme to NYC, Molfese's trip to Beantown, the other Pete Z's shared love of Harry Potter and late night convo's on the front stoop, my ever increasing CD collection.

School is starting again soon, it doesn't seem like it's been a very long summer, but I know it's just as long as always. Beware, I'm sure you'll start seeing posts about me wavering back and forth about the pros and cons of massachusetts vs. indiana, multiple bar exams vs. waiting 5 years for reciprocity rules to kick in. You know, the usual freak out about my future.

That said, love you all, miss you dearly, and if you really want regular updates about what's going on, it's probably just a better idea to call and find out ;-)

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 80% Superman 80% Supergirl 70% Robin 68% Green Lantern 65% Iron Man 55% The Flash 55% Wonder Woman 45% Batman 35% Catwoman 30% Hulk 30%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

And apparently all my other friends are doing this meme, too...
( how much have I changed in 6 years? )

gotta love the Europeans...lol

on another note...HAPPY 4th of July!!! wishing you all the best in cookouts and fireworks fun!!!

( MIMS...or memes! )